Friday, November 18, 2011

Independence of a Lovelorn




She didn’t even turn her head to look back if he was following her,
In fact, she was really hoping he wasn’t.

Until five minutes ago they were sitting at their usual sit-out café,
Discussing over the same old vicious problems,
Lately, their discussions were more of arguments,
In fact, she didn’t even remember when they last had a healthy discussion.

This wasn’t the worst argument of their life,
They have had much bitter ones before,
But, this one ended in a very abrupt and unusual way.

The argument wasn’t even at the peak of its heat,
When she had suggested that there was no solution to this.

They would always start arguing over unsolvable issues,
Issues that weren’t really issues, but, events from the past,
Events that had left both of them hurt and bruised,
And these discussions and arguments would worsen the bruises.

There was no way one could change what had happened in the past,
They could only learn from the past and be careful henceforth.

So every argument was senseless from a solution perspective,
And her suggestion of burying the past was quite a logical one.

But, he had suddenly over-reacted to this suggestion,
He had said that they should end everything between them,
And she also had sternly agreed to it without wasting a moment.

Resultantly, both of them stormed out of the café door simultaneously,
And their paths also happened to be in opposite directions.

This wasn’t the first time he had proposed a break-up.
It had happened two more times very recently.

They had been in a romantic relationship for more than 3 years,
And they had plans to spend their entire lives together.

It was a really strong attraction that had this relationship started,
And it had grown into a quite strong one, apparently,
But then, it wasn’t a fairytale anymore as it had started.

In fact, just after the initial 6 months or so, it started turning bitter,
More of fights and less of love, more of arguments and tensions,
Much more of expectations and less of consideration and understanding,
This is how it had kept on going for almost three years now.

May be it wasn’t supposed to last forever at all,
May be it was just an infatuation from both the sides,
And it got dragged a bit too much under the pretext of love.

Both of them had started pointing out each other’s faults,
As if it were a race for showing the other person down,
They kept on justifying their own acts all the time,
May be they should’ve understood they weren’t compatible.

She was thinking how every time they fought, she had apologized,
Not that she was the only person at fault all the time,
But she knew she needed to do that for keeping it alive,
Just for the sake of the wilting relationship, she kept doing it.

She also had a ton of an ego which she brushed aside after every fight,
While he kept on wagging his tongue to the tune of his inflated ego,
She kept compromising for love which had turned into a mystery.

She was thinking how she had cried bitterly for nights together,
When he would stop taking her calls after smallest of issues,
And she would keep calling him, hoping to sort out and say she loved him.

For her, it had always been about winning his love for a lifetime,
Because she knew they couldn’t live happily forever without love,
But for him, it was always about proving himself right,
He couldn’t let go of his ego for anything, not even love.

She remembered how he never even bothered about her possessiveness,
In fact, her possessiveness was his favorite topic for making fun of her,
He used to make fun of a lot of her feeling which she entrusted him with,
He hadn’t even bothered when she told him she feels like a lovelorn person.

It was almost ten minutes since she was walking from out of the café,
And strangely, she wasn’t crying or sad or upset or hopeless,
She wasn’t even thinking of calling him up and patching up again,
She had had enough of it and wasn’t willing to take it anymore,
She felt a strange feeling of lightness as if she was relieved of a burden,
As if, finally, she was a free bird wanting to truly enjoy her freedom.

She was really confused as to who she was,
She had changed a bit too much for the sake of his likings,
She was barely even a bit of herself for the past few years,
She just couldn’t feel anything from her persona alive.

She kept wondering what had made her so strong to accept the break-up,
She remembered how she would shatter with the thought of losing him,
How she would never listen when everyone said he wasn’t worth her love,
How she would fight with her friends who asked her to leave him.

She had never bothered about his failures, which were a bit too many,
She had never bothered about his narrow-minded mentality,
Not even his constant bickering would stop her from loving him,
She had totally dedicated herself to him and this relationship.

She knew he took a lot of advantage of her unconditional love for him,
But she would always think that was okay, after all, she was all for him,
She also knew he always took her for granted, and on being confronted,
He would bluntly agree and justify by saying thats his trust on her.

But, this time, she was very firm on not attempting to patch up,
She felt that it was the limit of everything she could’ve tolerated,
Her capacity for his bullshit was already over-utilized and that was it.

She felt he should’ve respected her, and her love for him,
He shouldn’t have treated the relationship like a TV Set,
It wasn’t just about his whims and fancies, she had some too,
And she wasn't an object to be taken for granted all the time.

She was amazed with the sweet feeling that suddenly filled her,
The feeling of being herself, independence, having personality,
Of being an individual more than his partner, of being alive,
Of breathing in fresh air, the air of freedom and relief.

She also felt more confident, like she used to be earlier,
She started believing in herself and that she had a life too,
She finally felt like she could do whatever she wants to,
Without worrying about how he would respond to it.

She could wear whatever she liked, without any fears,
She could spend her own money the way she loved to,
She could talk to all her friends without any stupid issues,
She had no fears and no silly botherations, not any more.

But she suddenly felt like all this could be a myth,
What if he was following her and would sort it out right there?
What if he was just waiting for her to turn around and hug him?
Would she never really be independent of the corpse of love?
Would she still need to carry the burden any longer?

She didn’t really want to turn around to see him there,
She wanted to be herself and not his puppet anymore,
She just didn’t want this feeling of freedom to vanish.

She had re-discovered herself after what felt like an era,
And she didn’t want to let it be short-lived.

Scared and hesitant, she slowly turned her head around,
And then she smiled as if her biggest wish was granted,
It struck her that she didn’t even need to verify,
She should’ve known he was long gone with his ego,
Obviously, expecting her to follow him, as usual,
And she happily walked ahead with just one resolution-
She’d never change herself for anyone, anymore!

6 comments:

  1. Two words to sum it up, True Story.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I wonder if it is okay for me to post some or aline or two from your poems in my fb shout out? or in my blogs? of course, I will make sure that you will be cited whenever I do that. Im asking because I can really relate to some of your works. And I feel the urge to share to my friends...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ok... Since u care to ask, i feel it shud b ok as long as my credits are mine :)

    ReplyDelete