Little Birdie & Golden Cage!

"Just one leap I need. A leap of freedom",
Said the little bird, with all her wisdom

Wisdom that had gone down the drains
When she fell for the cage, ditching her brains

The cage that was made of gold and pearls
It was the secret desire of a dozen girls

Girls that were pretty and wanted to play
Thought that the cage was from dough of clay

Clay that can easily be molded with their fingers and wrist
"A cage is a cage, even if it's golden", was it a quest?

A quest that was hard to unveil and demystify?
Had they thought the world was easy to defy?

World that has so much hypocrisy and rage
That's exactly what was lying in the cage

The cage that shined and attracted the bird
Little did she know, she'll never get to say a word

Words of excitement which chirpily she sang
Disappeared into air, poisoned by the fang

Fangs of the snake that hid beyond the glitter
Poisoned the bird's life and made it bitter

Bitterness, with her personality, had now intertwined
It had become a part of her heart, brain and mind

Mind that was once an epitome of cheerfulness
Had now become a house of boredom and dullness

Dullness that had encroached the bird's shiny face
Happiness had vanished, without even a trace

Trace, wish she could, even a little of her wisdom
While hoping from the cage, her "leap of freedom!"

Generations Apart...

This post is based on certain discussions that I have recently had with friends of my age regarding how things aren't the same with parents as they were during our childhood.

We all love our parents. And as much as we would like to believe that love is blind, we cannot deny that love isn't deaf and dumb. There are times when we hear them say things which don't fit in our logical minds. We have a completely different opinion on those topics. Sometimes we end up arguing with them but it does't help. The arguments either leave a bitterness in our hearts for some time, or just fall on deaf ears. Sometimes we even get to hear things like "you are too grown up to listen to your parents". Such statements further increase our anguish and we feel worse about these differences we have in our opinions.

Let us take a trip through our growing years and make an analysis. Why is it that we think so different from what they do when they are the ones who brought us up. Aren't we supposed to be a reflection of what our parents are? Isn't reproduction all about creating your own self, again? Let's see...

As kids we hear and understand what our parents say. We learn what they teach us. And that's it. That's truth for us. We do not know whether it's correct or not. And we don't feel the need to know. That's because our mind never challenges it. As we start growing up and meeting more people, we come across different thoughts and different beliefs. Simultaneously our logic starts developing. We start developing the power of reasoning. We start attaining capability to analyze what suits us. We start deciding whether we fit in one system or the other. We start creating our own systems as well. We get exposed to the world and our perceptions change.

Meanwhile, our parents are still living life in a similar way as they were. Of course change is inevitable. But the changes in their lives are usually not as drastic as those in ours. That's simply because they are grownup enough and we are still growing. Life was different while growing up in their times. And after an era, while we are growing, times are totally different. And so are our lives and the way we perceive it. 

It is no rocket science to decipher that such differences are natural amidst generations. But yet we fail to understand them. We fail to accept them.  Because they don't help us hear what our logical minds want to hear. We might even feel guilty about thinking against the thoughts of our creators. After all we do realize that we are what we are because they let us make our lives our way. And how do we overcome this discomfort caused due to the guilt? How do we cope up with those olden illogical theories? How do we bridge the gap and break the wall?

The simplest way is to understand that love and logic don't go along well. Yes. Give it another thought if you need to. Love defies logic and logic doesn't always support love. So the first thing you need to do is separate your logic from the love you have for the elderly. Now that you love them in their absolute state, let's put that important logical thinking to some good use.

Your beliefs are quite strong, aren't they? Now imagine how strong must be their belief system given that they have seen life almost twice as much as you have. When you are so sure about the correctness of your beliefs at this age, they are obviously double sure at their age. You may be ready to change your beliefs given that supporting logic convinces you. But it might not be the same with them. And that's ok. Yes, it is. 

Resistance to change increases with age. Look at yourself now and compare how flexible your mind is as compared to when you were a kid. I'm sure you can see your comfort zone has shrunk over years. Today you might be ready to relocate to another continent if you get a good opportunity but your parents might not even budge at the prospects of a much better life in the neighboring city. So what? That's probably how their life has made them. And probably they didn't have as much choice to mould their lives their ways as you do. You'd never know!

The point is that we need to stop expecting them to change. We need to understand that no matter how necessary change is, it can't be denied that we are resistant to it. And their resistance is naturally going to be stronger than ours. Most of our "problems" with older generations will be solved if we stop linking them with logics and reasoning and just accept them as they are. After all, life is too short and differences will only increase the distance of travel.

[Additional related reads from my blog: Love Defies Logic... ]

Back in the box...

The Blabber:

Hello there! It has been really really really long having posted something here, 17-18 months to be precise. And I could have been "doubly productive" in that long a time. Anyways, I intend to compensate my absence with a lot of posts hence-forth. But it'll first start with a lot of blabbering and then move ahead to the actual post. So if you want to cut my blabber, please scroll down directly to "The Post".

Alright, now that you choose to read my blabber, be warned, it's A LOT. 

First things first, let me take off my guilt-coat for not having written in a long long time. Well, I could have had a lot of excuses to list as reasons. But honestly, I was just to lazy and caught up in real life. I barely got time to jot it down. I must have written thousand of posts in my head, but unfortunately, they couldn't make it to this spot. But the good news is, I intend to be regular at writing again.

Also, I have never made new year resolutions for the last so many years that I remember. But this time I did. They aren't really the kind that come and go. These are more practical ones. Things that I have been meaning to accomplish since a while. And one of those resolutions is to write regularly.

Honestly, I have been really missing my blog. And every time I happen to be in a situation that's blog-worthy, I sort of make a mental note to post about it. So, we can hope for a lot to come because while I was away, I have been giving a lot of advises and relationship gyaan to my friends. And usually that is the stuff that makes it to this page in a different avatar. 

Anyways, enough of promises of intent. Let's come to the point. I really haven't planned how I am going to write this post but I am sure what it is about. So this is about a promise I made to a dear friend about 3 years ago. And when I decided to start writing again, I wanted to start with fulfilling the long pending promise. I guess he must have even forgotten about this request of his to write on this topic. But I am a lady of my word.

Just a brief background, and some planned coincidence-
My friend has a blog called "Blabber", where his first blog is "Back in the Box" which revolves around a lamp post. And that explains "The Post" below. I am going to quote certain pieces from there because this is in reply to a request.

The Post:

Woke up to a message from a friend (Early during Feb 2011) which said : 

Was drunken awake @ 4. Watching dutiful ol’ lamp-post, lone in the starlight. Later to ask myself, “Why is it that we try to make sense of everything we bump across?” Thought of writing it maself, then the wise little birdie wispered in its soft tone, “Plead it to the experts”

I had to read it again to make sense of it, not just because I had just woken up, but also because there was a lot in the short message. Most importantly, I couldn't believe it came from him. He was usually the victim of all my lectures and pranks. But more than that he was a fan of my writing. Hence, the request. 

I called him up to check what he exactly meant by that. He said that he meant it doesn't make sense to find sense in everything. Like a lamp post on the road has got no meaning. It is just there because it should be. Just because it would be dark without it. There is nothing else about it. I wondered if he was thinking too much. But  before I could think much, he again asked me to write about it. 

So, the request was written as well as verbal as well as in senselessness as well as in senses. Although I really didn't know what to write, I still made a promise that I would. It got more serious when he mentioned about it in his first blog like:

Wrote a senseless message to a friend, Was drunken awake @ 4. Watching dutiful ol’ lamp-post, lone in the starlight. Later to ask myself, “Why is it that we try to make sense of everything we bump across?” Thought of writing it maself, then the wise little birdie wispered in its soft tone, “Plead it to the experts” (She promises me that I can see this in one of her blogs, I’m waiting…).

And now the request was public. But I knew one thing, no matter when I write about it and what I write about it, it will always be in contrast to this belief. So here I go...

I am a strong believer of "everything has a meaning". I also believe that "everything happens for a reason". Yes, and that's the reason I believe that everything has a deeper meaning than we can see superficially. Of course we can't know each and every aspect of everything that we see. But that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Like in the case of a lamp-post, although it is there to provide us the much needed light, it could have been carrying so many more stories. Most probably the stories got created because the post already exists there, but we would never know if the post was there because those things were meant to happen! Lets say for example, 

• A sad group of friends was meant to cheer up, so the lamp-post was exactly where one of them would turn around and bump into it
• An insecure girlfriend was meant to be assured when the lamp-post was exactly where her boyfriend promised to her to stand by her like the same lamp-post
• An old man was meant to be safe when he held the lamp-post on feeling weak
• And, there could be so much more......

This world is not just an accident. It has been planned very carefully. If you think about it, you'll agree with me. There is a reason behind every small thing. The pettiest and most meaningless things could hold logic beyond our philosophical capacities. One need not be able to understand things as and when they happen. Most of the times, they affect your lives later enough to even remember. 

I am sure all of us meet a lot of people. We do not get along with everybody, and most of the friendships don't even last forever. We also get into wrong relationships and suffer heartbreaks and headaches. But then, when we meet the right people, we really understand their value because of the wrong ones.. because we know how much better they are and how much worse people can be. We also evolve with every incident that happens in our life. Each person is a catalyst in our life. Whatever we are today is because of the smallest of things that we did yesterday. And this will continue for ever. 

I wouldn't want to miss mentioning the movie "Sucker Punch" symbolizes the Symbolic nature of life very well. The things that we categorize insignificant could symbolize a big deal. That is the way life gives you hints and warnings. But yeah, although symbolization is something that can connect with this topic, I feel like saving it for later. May be a blog-overdose could carry deeper effects.

Who had thought that a stupid message from a drunk guy at 4 a.m. could create so many things? That message started his blog. It made me come back to my blog earlier than I would have otherwise. It made me reuse my old laptop which was literally buried under a heap of other useless things. And it will soon make my friend realize, I do keep promises.

So Yash, this is for you buddy! Cheers!!

अधूरापन...!!!

आज इन आँखों में कुछ नमी सी है 

आज फ़िर महसूस हुई कुछ कमी सी है

तुम बिन दिल की धड़कन कुछ थमी सी है

इस दर्द को मिटा पाना कठिन सा है

इस मन को समझा पाना कठिन सा है

अपने प्रेम को छुपा पाना कठिन सा है

क्यूँ बिछड़ने के लिए मिलते है हम?

क्यूँ हमेशा साथ नहीं होते है हम?

क्यूँ मिलकर बिछड़ ही जाते है हम?

एक दीया जलाया था मन में विश्वास लिए 

हम साथ रहेंगे इस बात की एक आस लिए 

तुम पास रहो तो जलाते रहेंगे रोज़ दीये 

तुम बिन मन की सारी बातें अधूरी है 

तुम बिन खुशियाँ और ख्वाहिशें अधूरी है 

तुम बिन मेरी ये कविता भी तो अधूरी ही है...!!!

To my best man!

I am getting married in a week,

I know that makes you go weak,

You happened to be the first man in my life,

And now I’m going to be someone else’s wife,

Not that it’ll change the facts about you and me,

But still, quite different, everything will be!

All that happiness portrayed by your smile,

And then those sudden rushes of your bile,

It is obvious how you struggle with yourself,

To accept that I’ll be a trophy of another’s shelf!

You will remain special, just like you’ve always been,

I will always love you, and this, I really really mean!

I will never forget the special moments we shared,

When we showed each other how much we cared,

When we fought bitterly over what’s wrong and right,

And then to sort it out, we hugged each other tight!

Remember how I hugged you and slept like a little one?

Did you then figure out, I’ll be taken away by someone?

Remember how you’d compliment me when I’d cook?

I used to browse for hours together, that recipe book!

When I left the town to study further, I knew you were upset,

But then you understood, it was for a good career’s onset,

Months after months, I kept staying away from you,

And then at times I rushed back- just to be with you,

But whenever came the time to go away again,

Only your eyes showed the separation’s pain!

Your have never been able to speak about your feelings clearly,

But your actions have always conveyed that you love me dearly!

I still remember the look on your face when I got engaged,

I saw the complexity of the smile you had managed,

Down through your cheeks when came those tears,

They clearly expressed all your emotions and fears!

The ceremonies of my wedding, when you will witness,

I can very well imagine the level of your stress,

And when you will put my hand in his hand,

With a trembling body, you’ll manage to stand!

And I still wouldn’t know whether to be happy or sad,

This rush of mixed emotions has made me totally mad!

Sometimes when I look at your face, my mind gets bare,

It questions me, about you, how much did I care?

One moment I feel that I completely understand you,

Another moment I don’t know if I even know you!

Just like you, I’m not good with expressing too,

But I love you a lot, and you know it, don’t you?

The thought of being away from you brings me tears in a moment,

If imagination is so horrifying, reality will be one hell of a torment!

May be we were meant to be away from each other,

But our love is pure and strong, please don’t bother,

I know you feel you won’t have rights on me after I’m wedded,

But trust me- our rights on each other are forever embedded!

The greatest of poets would fail to describe our affinity,

To share our sweetest memories, we will need eternity!

Our relationship is always going to be the most special one,

Nobody can ever replace you in my heart, absolutely no one!

It doesn’t matter that I’ll be called “his wife”,

You will always be the best man of my life!!

We aren’t the only couple, who’ll face this separation- hardship,

This misfortune is a part of every father-daughter relationship,

But when hearts are near, these distances won’t matter,

Our love is the strongest, it will never ever shatter!

Independence of a Lovelorn

She didn’t even turn her head to look back if he was following her,
In fact, she was really hoping he wasn’t.

Until five minutes ago they were sitting at their usual sit-out café,
Discussing over the same old vicious problems,
Lately, their discussions were more of arguments,
In fact, she didn’t even remember when they last had a healthy discussion.

This wasn’t the worst argument of their life,
They have had much bitter ones before,
But, this one ended in a very abrupt and unusual way.

The argument wasn’t even at the peak of its heat,
When she had suggested that there was no solution to this.

They would always start arguing over unsolvable issues,
Issues that weren’t really issues, but, events from the past,
Events that had left both of them hurt and bruised,
And these discussions and arguments would worsen the bruises.

There was no way one could change what had happened in the past,
They could only learn from the past and be careful henceforth.

So every argument was senseless from a solution perspective,
And her suggestion of burying the past was quite a logical one.

But, he had suddenly over-reacted to this suggestion,
He had said that they should end everything between them,
And she also had sternly agreed to it without wasting a moment.

Resultantly, both of them stormed out of the café door simultaneously,
And their paths also happened to be in opposite directions.

This wasn’t the first time he had proposed a break-up.
It had happened two more times very recently.

They had been in a romantic relationship for more than 3 years,
And they had plans to spend their entire lives together.

It was a really strong attraction that had this relationship started,
And it had grown into a quite strong one, apparently,
But then, it wasn’t a fairytale anymore as it had started.

In fact, just after the initial 6 months or so, it started turning bitter,
More of fights and less of love, more of arguments and tensions,
Much more of expectations and less of consideration and understanding,
This is how it had kept on going for almost three years now.

May be it wasn’t supposed to last forever at all,
May be it was just an infatuation from both the sides,
And it got dragged a bit too much under the pretext of love.

Both of them had started pointing out each other’s faults,
As if it were a race for showing the other person down,
They kept on justifying their own acts all the time,
May be they should’ve understood they weren’t compatible.

She was thinking how every time they fought, she had apologized,
Not that she was the only person at fault all the time,
But she knew she needed to do that for keeping it alive,
Just for the sake of the wilting relationship, she kept doing it.

She also had a ton of an ego which she brushed aside after every fight,
While he kept on wagging his tongue to the tune of his inflated ego,
She kept compromising for love which had turned into a mystery.

She was thinking how she had cried bitterly for nights together,
When he would stop taking her calls after smallest of issues,
And she would keep calling him, hoping to sort out and say she loved him.

For her, it had always been about winning his love for a lifetime,
Because she knew they couldn’t live happily forever without love,
But for him, it was always about proving himself right,
He couldn’t let go of his ego for anything, not even love.

She remembered how he never even bothered about her possessiveness,
In fact, her possessiveness was his favorite topic for making fun of her,
He used to make fun of a lot of her feeling which she entrusted him with,
He hadn’t even bothered when she told him she feels like a lovelorn person.

It was almost ten minutes since she was walking from out of the café,
And strangely, she wasn’t crying or sad or upset or hopeless,
She wasn’t even thinking of calling him up and patching up again,
She had had enough of it and wasn’t willing to take it anymore,
She felt a strange feeling of lightness as if she was relieved of a burden,
As if, finally, she was a free bird wanting to truly enjoy her freedom.

She was really confused as to who she was,
She had changed a bit too much for the sake of his likings,
She was barely even a bit of herself for the past few years,
She just couldn’t feel anything from her persona alive.

She kept wondering what had made her so strong to accept the break-up,
She remembered how she would shatter with the thought of losing him,
How she would never listen when everyone said he wasn’t worth her love,
How she would fight with her friends who asked her to leave him.

She had never bothered about his failures, which were a bit too many,
She had never bothered about his narrow-minded mentality,
Not even his constant bickering would stop her from loving him,
She had totally dedicated herself to him and this relationship.

She knew he took a lot of advantage of her unconditional love for him,
But she would always think that was okay, after all, she was all for him,
She also knew he always took her for granted, and on being confronted,
He would bluntly agree and justify by saying thats his trust on her.

But, this time, she was very firm on not attempting to patch up,
She felt that it was the limit of everything she could’ve tolerated,
Her capacity for his bullshit was already over-utilized and that was it.

She felt he should’ve respected her, and her love for him,
He shouldn’t have treated the relationship like a TV Set,
It wasn’t just about his whims and fancies, she had some too,
And she wasn't an object to be taken for granted all the time.

She was amazed with the sweet feeling that suddenly filled her,
The feeling of being herself, independence, having personality,
Of being an individual more than his partner, of being alive,
Of breathing in fresh air, the air of freedom and relief.

She also felt more confident, like she used to be earlier,
She started believing in herself and that she had a life too,
She finally felt like she could do whatever she wants to,
Without worrying about how he would respond to it.

She could wear whatever she liked, without any fears,
She could spend her own money the way she loved to,
She could talk to all her friends without any stupid issues,
She had no fears and no silly botherations, not any more.

But she suddenly felt like all this could be a myth,
What if he was following her and would sort it out right there?
What if he was just waiting for her to turn around and hug him?
Would she never really be independent of the corpse of love?
Would she still need to carry the burden any longer?

She didn’t really want to turn around to see him there,
She wanted to be herself and not his puppet anymore,
She just didn’t want this feeling of freedom to vanish.

She had re-discovered herself after what felt like an era,
And she didn’t want to let it be short-lived.

Scared and hesitant, she slowly turned her head around,
And then she smiled as if her biggest wish was granted,
It struck her that she didn’t even need to verify,
She should’ve known he was long gone with his ego,
Obviously, expecting her to follow him, as usual,
And she happily walked ahead with just one resolution-
She’d never change herself for anyone, anymore!

तुम बिन... तन्हाइयाँ!

  

यही मौसम यही समा था

ये दिल भी क्या आवारा था

कैसा मस्त वो ज़माना था

मन ख़ुशी के गीत गुनगुनाता था

ये हवा भी क्या दीवानी थी

करती अपनी मनमानी थी

बारिश की बूंदे हम पे उडाती थी

और मन के मोर को गुदगुदाती थी

आपकी कातिल नज़रें वार करती थी

और इस नादां दिल को घायल करती थी

फ़िर प्यार भी हम से बेशुमार करती थी

और हमे उस प्यार में पागल करती थी

आज भी वही मौसम है वही समा है

शाम आज भी उतनी ही जवान है

आज बारिश की बूँदें आपकी यादें लेकर आयीं हैं

इन बेकरार नैनों में आँसू लेकर आयीं हैं

इन होठों पे आपका नाम अब भी आता है

इस दिल में आपका ख्याल अब भी आता है

अब यही समा आपकी याद में रुलाता है

आपसे मिलने को ये मन खूब छटपटाता है

बेकरार हैं ये नैन आपकी एक झलक देख पाने को

बेचैन है ये मन आपकी एक मुस्कान देख पाने को

कंपकंपाते हैं ये हाथ आपको फिरसे छू पाने को

लपलपाता है ये मन आपको बाहों में भर पाने को

हर झोंका हवा का आपकी याद दिलाता है

जैसे हर पल आपको दिल के और करीब लाता है

बीते दिन याद करके मन मंद-मंद मुस्काता है

देखते हैं कौनसा करिश्मा फ़िर हमें मिलाता है! 

(Another attempt at Hindi Poetry - 12.09.2011)

Being A Spinster!!!

I lean over the window-pane,
And glance along the below lane,
I take a small sip from my glass of wine,
And silently wish someone was mine!


When I had the time to choose a mate,
I never bothered and left it to my fate,
Every man that came my way,
I always ensured he moved away.


Not that I had never felt the same,
But I thought being in love was lame,
I wish I had never imposed this ban,
Without an exception, on every man!


Now I wish I had someone all mine,
Who could share with me, this glass of wine!
Even if he were away, several hundred miles,
He would at least call me, giving me smiles!


As I see the clouds getting ready to rain,
I wish I had someone to share my pain,
Someone with whom in these rains I'd drench,
And on turning cold, his fist I'd clench!


I see the old couple in the neighborhood,
They seem together forever, since childhood,
Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a companion?
Who'd ride the bike of life, with you as a pillion!


The young couple is dancing in the rainy street,
And they seem to be enjoying it, like a great treat,
While I think I'm going to be alone every night,
I hold my wine glass, all the more tight!


I wish I gave a thought when the world said,
Staying alone could feel like life is unpaid,
I wish I took things in the right sense then,
When I had a space in the hearts of many men!


But I chose to take the road that was less taken,
Why didn't at the right time, my mind awaken?
Who's going to accept me now with these wrinkles and sags?
Apart from this bottle of wine and a few fags?


Wish I realized how important it was to have someone,
To wait for him to come home, to be his loved one!
When I hear the young lady upstairs moan,
With all my senses, I deeply mourn!


Who will forever take care of my needs?
Who will gift me necklace of metal and beads?
Will I always have to let my thoughts remain unspoken?
The glass accidentally slips from my hand, it is broken!


The fall of the glass, makes me utter a scream,
Oh! I was sleeping, and this was just a dream.
It is time hurry up and get ready for my new date,
And I know my nightmare is not going to be my fate.

My Special Relationship…

Prologue

He slapped my guy and pushed so hard that my guy fell a considerable distance away from me. He then attacked me with an unbelievable force. There was intent. He was resolute. I fell on the beach. Then he threw himself all over me, almost entering me in every possible way. Even before I could bring myself together and comprehend what was happening, he threw himself on me, pushing me towards the beach and pulled me back to him, still being all over me. Carnal. I was dizzy, even high with all that sea water inside me. Moments later, he again pushed himself all into me, pushing me harder towards the beach and pulling me more towards himself. A déjà vu of what transpired a while back. He was totally wild today. And I had never seen him like this before. Animal! I cussed under my breath.

Do I feel violated? Or was this relationship leading to all this in the most natural way?? Should I look back in time to analyze how it has been???

About since a year ago, in Mumbai

I arrive in this city and my guy wants me to meet "him", my guy's close buddy since childhood.

My guy introduces me to him. And I feel like I'm in love with him. Yes, it was love at first sight, however clichéd it may sound, but this was really special.

He becomes my solace, the only source of respite from the busy and taxing Mumbai life, which I hadn't quite coped up with. He is the only thing I thanked Mumbai for.

There was something about him, I couldn't understand. May be it was his resemblance with life. His unpredictability. His mood-swings. He mirrored Mumbai, however, that seemed illogical superficially. His liveliness. That energy and sparkle that I could feel in life, always reflected in him. That is why he always attracted me, I guess.

Sometimes we spent whole evenings together. Sometimes there were late-night dates. When I came across him while hanging out with friends, I would totally ignore my friends and just be with him. Sometimes, I would slip out of office during the lunch break to share a few moments with him. It had always been very special, every moment.

I could never have enough of him. Although I could never spend too much time with him, but every moment had always been special.

It wasn't a usual relationship. He wasn't like anybody else. He would always be all ears for me. No matter what I said, good or bad, he always listened to me. But he never replied, he was a patient listener but a poor talker. He probably wanted me to listen to my heart more than anybody else. He probably thought that what others say about your life is noise. He didn't want to contribute to the noise, probably. He always kept silent so that I could listen to the voice of my heart. And strangely, this philosophy worked.

I always felt better after spending time with him. I could just sit near him and not say a word, just keep looking at him. Yet, it felt as if he could listen to my thoughts. There were also these times when I was in a really chirpy mood and would go to see him. He would again do the same, listen to me. I never felt bad about his silence. He had his own ways to show his participation in my joys and sorrows. That contented me.

I never even felt I was cheating on anybody with him. I loved spending time with him. In the initial few days, I could spare a lot of time for him. But slowly it kept reducing. No, the charm never faded. It was only about my availability. Even a single moment of silence spent together would suffice. We never had to bother about the quality of the time spent.

But of late, it had been a long long time since I had spent any time with him. I knew he was always there for me. I never really had to care about any regular meetings or dates. No matter how much time-distance separated us, I knew he would always be there.

Yesterday, at Baga Beach in Goa

I had had loads of fun yesterday. I had spent some nice time with him - playing, running around, giggling. Parting was a little painful, it always is. But I had to go. I was really tired of the sleepless 30 hours spent travelling, working, and reading. I had not planned to meet him right after reaching Goa. I wanted to take some rest before we met. I wanted to be fresh so that I could enjoy every moment with him.

But that attraction couldn't let me stop myself.

And I did end up seeing him immediately. Actually, I'm not sure what my guy knows about my connection with him. He only knows I enjoy my time with him. So, "we" ended up seeing him immediately.

We had had a nice time together, the three of us, on this beach full of romance. There were people enjoying all over the beach. There was so much joy in the air, it almost felt like a sweet-dream.

Being with him in Mumbai had been a lot different. It was only platonic there. But here, it was a lot more. We played a lot on the beach. I still couldn’t get enough of him. But, like I've mentioned, I needed some rest. So, I left with a half-heart. I knew I could meet him the next day as well. And I should have eagerly waited for it.

But, strangely, I found myself trying to avoid him today. It was a pretty lively Sunday and I could see people chilling out on this most happening beach of Goa.

We went to the beach and enjoyed the sight of people having such a gala time.

I had already told my guy I wasn't in a mood to meet him. Despite okaying the thought earlier, on reaching the beach, my guy insisted on meeting him. I told my guy to carry on while I would sit away and watch the frolic from a distance. But eventually, I had to give in to meeting him. I wasn't feeling too right about it. However, it had almost become unavoidable.

So here I was, with my guy and him. We started playing on the beach, like, running around and talking and giggling. It was all pretty joyful. I wasn't feeling awkward anymore. In fact, I was enjoying myself more than yesterday. And then, suddenly something strange happened.

He slapped my guy and pushed so hard that my guy fell a considerable distance away from me. He then attacked me with an unbelievable force. There was intent. He was resolute. I fell on the beach. Then he threw himself all over me, almost entering me in every possible way. Even before I could bring myself together and comprehend what was happening, he threw himself on me, pushing me towards the beach and pulled me back to him, still being all over me. Carnal. I was dizzy, even high with all that sea water inside me. Moments later, he again pushed himself all into me, pushing me harder towards the beach and pulling me more towards himself. A déjà vu of what transpired a while back. He was totally wild today. And I had never seen him like this before. Animal! I cussed under my breath.

Probably he presumed consent because I went to him. And probably it was because of the full moon day approaching that he was so high. Its weird how my sea had such a close connection with the moon, so far away. May be distances don't really matter when the connections are strong.

I was totally flabbergasted with this wild love-making session with the sea. I could feel him everywhere inside me. I couldn’t understand if he was a part of me or I was a part of him. It wasn't anything like normal. It was beyond human. It felt totally crazy. And I don't feel snubbed or violated. I know he is always going to be there for me, just like he has always been- a patient listener, a poor talker, caring, understanding, all absorbing, and always available. May be this was the time he expressed his love for me, in an attempt to prove that he isn't that poor a talker as I have always accused him to be. After all, actions speak louder than words, don't they?

[Congratulations Gautam for your editorial debut. You shall be offered a really lucrative job when i become a full-time author. Until then, be patient.]

His Silent Sobs!!!

Born in a small village in Uttar Pradesh, I was a naughty child,
Even on my disasters, my dad would punish me mild,
My mom said I was the apple of her old eyes,
We all were happy together, it felt very nice.

I spent all my childhood, lazing away with pals,
Unaware of large buildings, cities and malls,
My village was my world, I was a happy kid there,
Where every house and heart, to each other was near.

As I grew up, I realised life was quite tough,
Dealing with it, my parents' hands grew rough,
I was a grown-up too, and had to share the weight,
I even felt bad that may be I realised this very late!

I wanted to do something quickly, to earn big bucks,
But it wasn't possible by farming chicken and ducks,
So I decided to do something that made my parents cry,
But I knew the money would soon puff those tears dry.

I knew I drove pretty well, all the farmers would agree,
For driving tractors in their farms, they could award me a degree,
I decided to go to Mumbai, that’s called the city of dreams,
I would drive autos and taxis there, be a part of drivers' teams.

My mom totally cried her eyes out,
Dad too was upset, without a doubt,
They said they were happy in rags, wanted no riches,
They like their old clothes with hundreds of stitches.

But I was firm, to give them a better life,
I was ready to undergo a period of strife,
Would earn lots of money and save some,
So I can come back soon, back to my home!

With a heavy heart they agreed, what else could they tell?
But before I left, they wanted to hear my wedding bell.
I got married to this girl, as beautiful as the crescent moon,
I knew she'd take care of my parents, and be a real boon.

I had a beautiful month with my new bride,
I'd bathe her in money, I thought with pride,
Promising to call every week and meet every year,
I bade good-bye to each person who was my dear!

Then, to fulfil all my dreams, I arrived in this city that never sleeps,
I couldn't get off my head, the sound of my mom's and wife's weeps,
It wasn't as easy to live alone, as I had thought,
Had for this loneliness, with my family I fought?

But the toughest part was over and now I had to be strong,
I knew that my faith in myself would never prove me wrong.
So all set for every experience, I started to drive,
I was pretty sure, my family, of nothing would deprive.

I drive hundreds to their destinations each day,
And during those trips, a lot of things they say,
I hear all their conversations, and remain noiseless,
Even if I want to advise them, I remain voiceless.

There are husbands and wives that bitterly fight,
I can only miss my loving wife, every day and night,
There are young kids who lie to their mother,
When will I see mine? I can't help but bother.

The homesickness doesn't make me sick however,
I'm more motivated to work harder than ever,
I drive for all the more hours, may be 15 each day,
And I should be able to go back soon, I kind of pray!

Over is a year, and its time for an annual visit to motherland,
They're awaiting my arrival eagerly, with a flower-garland,
I go back to my village, my home, to my beloved folks,
And quickly passes a month, filled with love and jokes.

And the night before I leave, as if, for the war-field,
Talks to me, my bride, with her eyes tears-filled,
She says she doesn't like it without me, its too lonely,
And I assure her, it’s a matter of some more time only!

In a similar fashion, pass a few more years,
Slowly, with time, dried are her tears,
My parents died in their rags, not riches,
And garments for my kids, my wife stitches!

I skipped meals and saved more money,
Sending kids to school, isn't at all funny,
I missed seeing their first walks,
I missed hearing their first talks.

After every trip to home, I decided to put an end,
This would be the last time, I would purely intend,
But time kept passing, seasons after seasons,
My return kept delaying, reasons after reasons!

Now my kids are taller than me, not kids anymore,
But I still need to earn money, may be, a little more,
I don't know for how much more time, here I'll stay,
My head is half bald now, with scanty hair thats gray!

I still drive hundreds of passengers many places,
And back to my family, only my memory traces,
I see young girls and guys, they're all so fine,
Oh! So dearly, I miss those of mine!!

Is this a vicious cycle, I got trapped into?
Is there nothing that I could undo?
I missed living with my parents, kids and wife,
For all my life, I feel sorry, I kept missing life!

My Fallen Angel !!!

When you had fallen from the Heavens up there,

I certainly knew God had sent you for me here,

I rushed towards you to check if you were hurt,

But you sparkled, without even a speck of dirt!

When life seemed dark, your smile shone bright,

Even with those lost hopes, everything felt right,

I loved you so much, you were always on my mind,

It wouldn't be amiss to say your love made me blind.

You were shy, and I knew it was an angelic feature,

I admired you, Oh so much! My Heavenly Creature!!

You were my cute Angel, Fallen for me on this earth,

Only for me, Oh Cutie! You were granted this Birth!!

You brought me good luck, my only lucky charm,

I would keep you precious, never allow any harm.

I would save you from the witches' enchantment,

And keep you aloof from the bitches' entrapment!

If you were just a dream, I wanted it to end never,

And for that my love, I was ready to sleep forever,

Nightmares of losing you, made me find a way,

That would keep us together forever, my way!

I knew if you ever walked off leaving me deserted,

You'd come back to me sooner, my heart asserted,

For our love, with this world we could have fought,

Would it really happen or so I merely thought?

I would hold you so strong, never let you fall,

That descend from the Heavens, would be all.

But fallen you had once, and fell you again,

That one was a pleasure, and this one - pain.

I thought life was complete and love graven,

The day, for me, you had fallen from Heaven,

But to all my love, bringing shame and disgrace,

You, my beloved Angel, have fallen from grace!

I wouldn't loathe your presence, but continue your addiction,

Only if you hadn't lost your respect yourself in my conviction,

I'm glad you were just a charming dream that forever didn't last,

Not my mind's entirety, you deserve just a modest corner in my past!

A non-mysterious Murder...

He was a cool guy. Tall, dark and average looking. Not that he had many friends or that he was too popular or a ladies' man, but he had a few friends which were very close to him and he meant a lot to them. In short, he wasn't a socialite as such but wasn't a loner either. He had a respectable social stature. A very intellectual person. Excelled in most things he ventured into. Had vast knowledge, could be spoken with regarding any topic under the sun. Quite a fun loving person. A dependable confidante for most of his friends. He also had an excellent sense of humor. Quick-witted, sarcastic humor. He knew exactly what needs to be said to whom in what kind of situation. He was an exceptionally caring person for his friends and family. Very very closely attached with his family. An extremely affectionate person. A lover of good food. A true appreciator of all forms of art. Endeared by all his friends. Respected by them. He was looked up to by his friends and family when they needed any help, practically and emotionally. He had the capability to be objective and analyze situations in that light. He was a sensible and a sensitive person. He wasn't too brave or daring but at least loved the ideas of adventures. He never had the best of anything but knew how to make the most of whatever he had. And he was satisfied with his life. He believed he didn't have any problems with his life and was quite happy with his life on a whole. A dog-lover. Quite amusingly gifted to note details of things. He also had the gift of gab. Loved to gossip. Had the capability to make one feel comfortable and valued in his presence. He always voiced against the wrong and stood by it till the end. He fought for others. Down-to-earth. Enviably happy and content with his life. He was a man with self-respect. In one word, he was Awesome.

And then, he let a girl enter in to his life.

All the awesomeness walked out of his life. His obvious problem was Choice. He made the wrong choice. He let the wrong girl enter his life. Now he's treated much worse than one would ever treat a dog. He never gathered the courage to object her when she was wrong. He can’t fight even for himself. And she never realized it on her own. Now he has friends, but no freedom to be with them. He is too tied up fulfilling her whims and fancies. No more attached to his family. Has lost the appetite for happiness, probably even forgotten what happiness and contentment feel like. Hasn't had fun in ages and forgotten what smile and laughter are. Humor? Not in touch with that either. Now, there's only one word for his condition: Awful. Friends can’t help but pity his life. She is the murderer. But it was no back-stabbing. He chose it for himself. She murdered his awesomeness, and he let her.

True Story.